Smile and wave
I live on a neighborhood street that runs parallel to a larger road connecting multiple communities. As a result, our street gets extra traffic from folks who try to cut a corner and shorten their commute. Some of these drivers slow down on their way through the neighborhood, but others do not.
I have two young children who like to play outside in the yard and ride their bikes on the street. We have worked with them to recognize when a car is approaching and what to do. But they’re kids. Sometimes they don’t hear a car coming and sometimes they forget what to do. So speeding cars make me nervous.
Most people try to discourage speeding cars through shame. They frown and shake their head or gesture with their arms. Maybe they mouth the words “Slow down!” I don’t know if this is effective; shame seems to be a pretty poor motivator in my society. But I understand the instinct. A speeding car is dangerous and negatively impacts me, my family, and my neighbors. It is legitimate to want to communicate that.
However, there is a different danger to the shame approach: it destroys the relationship1 between you and the driver. It turns you into a judge looking down on and condemning the defendant. And because you have seized this seat of authority, and the driver might reasonably rebel against it. They’ll get mad. Maybe they’ll drive faster. You will both leave the interaction filling angry and self-righteous.
I don’t like what shaming does to me or the driver. Is there a way to discourage speeding that doesn’t destroy relationships?
I think there is, and it’s simple: instead of shaming just smile and wave. I do this to every driver I see on my street. Drivers in cars, trucks, vans, work vehicles, delivery trucks, and everything in between get a smile and a wave—whether they are speeding or not. I think this is better for three reasons.
First, it’s good for me. Frequently in life we are provided with opportunities to elevate ourselves above others. To judge. To condemn. By choosing to to smile and wave, I am consciously defying that urge and replacing it with kindness. It helps put me in the right head space for this and future reactions.
Second, it’s good for the driver. No one wants to have their actions judged, especially by a random person on the street. Smiling and waving humanizes pedestrians without introducing a power dynamic. Your smile will linger on their mind for a long time, shading future thoughts and actions.
Third, it works. The drivers of speeding cars slow down when they see people smile and wave. This is especially true when our kids do it. The natural reaction for the driver is to slow down, and then return the smile and wave. The next time they drive down your street they will remember “there are friendly people who live here.”
Smiling and waving is a radically egalitarian response to the problem of speeding, but I think it’s the right solution. It helps you, helps your neighbor, and results in a safer and healthier environment for everyone.
So next time you see a speeding driver, try smiling and waving. I think you’ll be surprised. And look for other opportunities to extend kindness and grace to those who may be misbehaving. It just might be the right solution then too.
Footnotes
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I’m using relationship in the general sense of a connection between two people. I do not know most of the speeding drivers personally. ↩